pube in her braces AGAIN. barely kept a straight face.
i slept with her, drove her to her sisters house to babysit, and then drove around the block where i met her sister and had sex with her in my van. I'm family Friendly!
I need a hobby that doesnt involve alcohol and my tv
How did she break his doorknob?
That was our fault. We put a chair under the doorknob so that she wouldn't wander out of his room in the middle of the night and jump into bed with her ex. But she's stronger than we thought.
When I took off my jeans he became more excited about my Elmo underwear than sex but to be fair, who can blame him. They're awesome undies.
And my coffee table looks like something out of Scarface
You've never felt ridiculous until you've walked through downtown in a Viking costume
you made cordon bleu at 4am and declared you were Marshall Stewart
I'm trying to get laid this Halloween, not inspire the next season of AHS
Your vagina felt like having sex with thanksgiving mashed potatoes. The best kind of mashed potatoes
If I got paid for every bad decision I've made I would be one rich bitch by now
I literally JUST MADE IT to the liquor store. I bought a box of wine with the lights off
If you find my integrity anywhere, please tell it to come back home
I know this shouldnt be a problem, but there are too many women hitting on me. I dont know what to do
he came with me to get plan b but they didn't have any. when I started crying he said "come on it's not that bad.. ill go get sandwiches from the vending machine and we'll have our first meal together as a family"
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