and I'm sitting five inches from the tv scrunched up in a ball watching doug. It's like I'm five again...except I'm more stoned than the dude who created this show
I wanna take him on a special date, something that says I banged your brother but since he moved I want you
You'd be amazed at how difficult it is to find pics of the helicopter dick
I am very proud of your internet skills
He lasted about 30 seconds then said you can't win them all. But then he made me pancakes so it's okay. We shall call him mancakes.
Tell him to dress up like Shaggy and kidnap him then bring him to me. We can pretend. Imaagination.
You asked me if I was judging you for being drunk, and if I can hypnotize you make sober.
No judgement. Sometimes you gotta twerk on a legends face.
Everyone called me "Barf Vader".. And I lost your lightsaber.
I puked and rallied in front of a cop...and then waved at him....
I did not have sex with him because he had a puppy…finding out he had a husky pup waiting back at home was just an unexpected plus
There's some random guy here dryhumping my kitchen door. If he is a friend of yours, please come and retrieve him.
Would it be wrong to text my ex and say "congratulations on the new baby that you had with a stripper"?
Thanks so much for having me, I'm really sorry that I almost caused your dog to catch on fire and also for breaking your doorknob
I'm not too sure what happened last night, but by the looks of it, we must have gotten drunk with zebras.
Can you imagine doing supermarket sweep in a sex store? What's the sex store equivalent of a whole ham?
Randomize
