i broke my thumb. i no longer have 2 opposable thumbs. i'm sub-human. i love vicodin.
the ice cream truck is coming omgomg
dude, it's 2 am.
but its COMING
we watched a tutorial on how to do guidette makeup
I'm buying eyelash glue, salt, and limes. We know how tonight is ending.
I told the girl who was peeing in the garbage can she must have had a lot of upper body strength.
He could tell i had a fever by feeling my tits. He gets docter of the year.
Too lazy to make dinner. Had chocolate and scotch instead. Check in with me in a half hour.
He was the only guy who ever made me cry..
Who, the park ranger who made you dump out your beer on the beach?
I just...no. You make my soul cry. You are giving me karma-cancer. This torture of my majesticness can no longer be tolerated.
Idk man, most things I eat are even better than I expected. Like when I drunkenly put mac and cheese on a slice of cheese pizza or when I soberly put mac and cheese into a Taco Bell burrito.
I will be there. invited or not. I go where the pancakes go.
I knew you were super hungover. But so hungover you fire our house cleaner because her vacuums too loud is excessive
I'm slowly getting to where I don't hate people anymore.
Never mind. Some random dude just walked past me and asked if I was having fun. I snarled at him. I might still kinda hate people.
You keep making the old jokes & I'm gonna come down with a sudden case of low-estrogen related vaginal dryness..
I opened the bathroom door and the starting point gaurd was eating out my art history professor
Randomize
