Charged a drink to your name last night. Thanks for the whiskey
Fuck. I have a girl here waiting on me in my room! I told her I was going to get a drink of water... I'm in the bathroom taking a dump... I have mudd butt bad... There's NO toilet paper!!
Sitting next to a girl in the computer cluster who just googled syphilis symtoms, started crying & got up and left. My life suddenly seems better.
Do you think flip cup during wine tasting is a bad idea? They're perfect flipping cups...
woke up with the bag of wine duct taped to my shoulder.
eggs and jello shots do not qualify as 'brunch'
Im blasting "Fat Bottom Girls" as loud as humanely possible in attempts that old ladies doing water aerobics will take the hint and get the fuck out of the pool.
do you have any idea how hard it is to keep a boner while another dude is writing on your dick in sharpie?
It smells like someone died in our apartment and ya'll used some random orifice of his body to smoke weed out of. Side note, how did we get a guitar?
I knew it would be an interesting night when he showed up at my house on a scooter wearing a six foot american flag as a cape.
He set two of my ex boyfriends on fire at two different bars without anyone knowing it was him or how it happened either time. He might be a fucking super hero
I mean, they were small fires and no one got hurt, but still. Awesome.
He got weirdly turned on by the video of my cat licking nacho cheese off my finger.
I know he's gay. But if he touches my vagina I'm human centipeding his face. Sorry not sorry
Just let me put on a bra and brush the alcohol out of my hair.
I'm about to take plan-b with a glass of wine and ramen noodles. I cannot decide who will hurt more...my vagina, my kidneys or my pride.
Randomize
