If someone cant be won over with guacomole and tequila they are not worth your time.
Call me in 2 minutes and go along with what I say. You're hysterical and I must go comfort you asap. He just asked if I was ready to experience sex with a wizard and he wasnt kidding.
and then he said "my sister has the same underwear!" please come get me.
Day 5 without masturbation. Fat chicks are back on the table
He and I are basically the same person, except he has a glorious penis and I have glorious breasts.
You gave your boss a bj to get the safe employee of the month award?
Did you really get up in the middle of a tattoo to go get Taco Bell?
I'm coming right back.
He told me the hickey on the side if his neck was actually a "bruise" from hitting a bird on his motorcycle. I'm not sure what's more impressive, the fact people believed him due to the size of the mark or the fact you gave it to him.
We decided to try to steal hot dogs but it ended up with me punching him in the face and crying. Pretty solid night
She got engaged last night. I don't think you should ask her out man.
Dude in the stall next to me shitting and sobbing. Dude another stall over, "Come on bro, you gotta loosen up." This is why I don't shit in public.
I told my parents how nice the girl at the frogurt store was. I neglected to mention that I nearly lost my virginity to her via foursome.
I have mastered the art of having sex on monkey bars.
He made me promise not to describe his penis in detail to you....oops.
The neighborhood cougar just purred at me while I was doing yard work. I’m terrified and tumescent
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