How is Miami?
Omk. I'm shitggaved om loincoln
i just used a urinal to avoid climbing stairs, i need to quit drinking.
does dane cook know its not 2004 and that hes no longer relevant?
When I meet a new girl, I'm terrified of mentioning something she hasn't already told me but that I have learned from some light internet stalking.
He asked if it was my vagina. I told him it was my butt. Clearly I need to buy him a map of the female form.
She asked me why I was wearing a Batman Suit. Have I ever needed a reason to wear a Batman Suit?
A burger king employee called me from your phone while you were on their bathroom floorl. Hope ur not in jail....4 realz
Did you bedazzle the elevator?
I'll always remember 2012 as the year I hooked up with countless girls who had the sides of their heads shaved.
I'm drunk filing my taxes in a bar on a Monday afternoon in a Regular Show onesie. I think I'm starting to get the hang of this whole adult thing.
I showed up to a job interview wearing two different shoes. If that's not an omen, I don't know what is.
Let's just wait to see what happens before we start making radical plans and starting fires
Far be it from me to tell you where you store your dildos but from an interior decorating standpoint not fucking there
If people had ratings on Tinder I'd give you 5 out of 5 stars.
My boobs look fucktastic, I have a booty call on Sunday and a dick photo on my phone. Life is grand!
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