and then he ordered a "diet and rum" like the most important part of the drink was the diet.
Who keeps a bong in their car??
Kids who graduated high school two weeks ago.
i just practiced my bj skills on a banana in front of the mirror
its going to be a good night
I gave you a 45 minute blowjob. You were inside me for 3 minutes. I'm going to need you to get your shit together.
I'm pretty sure that I'm earning a horrible reputation with your friends, but I'm having a fucking great time in the process.
I just bid on a $9000 car because I think its my ex-girlfriends. Yes I wanna hit that again.
You're doing a terrible job of letting me hook up with girls vicariously through you.
He was pretty handsy. Told me I tasted like smoke. Good think he tasted that and not the stomach acid I just puked not ten minutes before.
Yesterday you said I was the best.
No. I said you DID your best. There's a huge difference.
Jesus, you make out with one twin then sleep with the other and suddenly they don't want to play soccer with you... Men can be so sensitive...
I don't go out. I live in my room watching Bridget Jones and thanking my vibrator for existing.
Drunk assassins creed leads to explaining to my father that "it was only a steak knife in the arm"
Halfway through missionary I realized I was partially laying on his sleeping dog and idk that just kinda ruined it for me sooo
Don't judge me. It's a Monday night and I can eat burritos in while bathing in the kitchen sink if I want to.
You can't just drop that I might be walking into a foursome and leave it at that
Randomize
