the ***** family is living proof that there are no more lifeguards in the humen gene pool
he saw my "i like bacon" magnet on the fridge and i told him how much i love meat, then we started making out
what a beautiful fairy tale
Hey kate, how is it?
sloppy...it's emily. kate just tried to do a keg stand. they dropped her. we're leaving.
Liz and I are now offficially highest. OH, and your girlfriend may be a vampire. Heads up. SPARKLESSSSS
Put my glitter back.
I want to poop on a bird, just to show them what it's like.
My vagina smells like strawberry tangerine twist.
I know I should be focused on nurturing their bright little minds but it's 10 a.m. and I need a cock in my mouth
We literally played a game called pass the child which consisted of us shitfaced tossing the 5 year old birthday boy at each other
Just dont tell him. Tell him you colored your vagina for breast cancer awareness month. He will understand.
Wingman of the year award. I made out with her gay roommate in order for you to get laid. Better have been good.
The gay roommate was probably better than her. Consider yourself lucky.
we need to invent and abuse teleportation
Post breakup Disney World may be my best idea ever! Tinkerbell just grabbed my dick and gave me a kiss! This really is the happiest place on earth!
For new year's, we should just keep our resolution simple and keep accomplishing burpees in heels.... while drunk.
He makes furniture for a living and is basically a hot, younger Ron Swanson
I am literally so hung over that I just opened up my emergency kit, got out a survival meal replacement bar and ate it.
Randomize
