i just had 3 doubles lined up on top of a urinal, texting with one hand and my dick in the other. I an fucking awesome.
I have no idea who these bands are he's listening to. If his current playlist was a pandora station, however, it would be titled "music for closet cock gobblers"
i swear to god even though i took those meds before coming here i did not hallucinate zulema silently throwing up into a breakfast burrito
I feel like I can hear facebook. What did we smoke?
Random memory from the wedding, the bartender showed us how to open the windows and piss out of them.
I made a list on my phone of places I want to fuck, it's right under my list of groceries I'm getting a little too used to regular sex but dude monogamy is the shit
He just snapchatted me a picture of his cock. The angle makes it look like a freakin skyscraper. Thinking of photoshopping a little monkey on it.
My vagina was just really confused why you weren't inside it
That girl definitely just ate a hot dog and stared straight in to my eyes.
I just folded my boss's lingerie. I need a drink and a raise
I tried to take home a cat on broadway last night. I named him Pinocchio and put my purse down on the sidewalk and tried to put it inside it
I thought it was improvement but then i realized sex isn't an emotion and I hate everyone
HE HAS CHALLENGED MY BADNESS. I MUST CONQUER ALL THAT QUESTIONS MY POWER. BRING FORTH THE TIT PICS.
The fact that the praying hands are in my top emojis defines how 2016 is going so far
thank you for being so understanding of my weak stomach and poor self-control
Randomize
