We just all danced like dinosaurs in the center of the dance floor.
I really think we need to get on this Charlie Sheen bandwagon
He asked the clerk if they sell a penis-shaped brander.
I'm setting a 12:15 alarm for a taco bell run. Be awake or never wake up again.
Getting day drunk before work is perfectly acceptable when its 99 cent margaritas.
HE GAVE ME ONE OF HIS BEERS.
YOU'RE THE CHOSEN ONE.
That was the night, like, my hair caught on fire...
She made me walk a straight line to prove i was sober enough to help carry you to the car
Knowing you it was perfect out of spite. Like. A line straighter than YOU
I woke up with my wool blanket soaking wet on the dorm room floor, and my sweatshirt hanging on the shower door down the hall. So basically my camp-out-in-the-bathroom idea didn't turn out as planned
I just woke up naked next to a GetGo sandwich and I can hear my cats are eating my combos. So that's my life.
I'm out of prison. Wanna start a band?
Just please don't close your legs while I'm down there again. I don't want my death to be labeled as "Head crushed while giving an individual cunnilingus".
My walk of shame is starting to become positively reinforcing; I stop by Starbucks and when I leave I look someone just heading to work.
First contact since we had sex and it's to get my HBO password. I sure pick winners huh
You're up at 3AM, right? I have a very important question.
You know the Wendy's on route 6, by Kohls? Do you know if it has a drive through?
Yes it does.
Randomize