seriously iPhone. stop autocorrecting all my fucks into ducks. you're making all my strong worded texts look harmless and adorable.
Was going to watch Bolt. Fucked a stranger instead. Details later.
So you didn't like Bolt?
Idk man, it felt like my skin was a suit and I could feel it zipping up my side and up to my mouth. And then my head felt like a ventriloquist dummy's head, with the jaw thing..it was freaky, dude
You think that's a metaphor for anything, champ?
Shut the hell up.
my bed looks and feels like i need to buy plan b.
my family just sang happy birthday to baby jesus. no ones even drunk yet
can we meet up so i can piece together the end of my night? for instance, did i jump or fall into a plant?
You guys better make it up to the cabin in time for mud wrestling on Saturday. I'm not kidding. You know when I joke, and now is not one of those times.
No it's cool, He's been doing my English papers in exchange for lap dances since the eleventh grade. We're very professional.
Most awkward car ride ever. Kid in the front seat was bawling, 2 in the backseat were ready to fight, and I was giving the last kid a handie. This needs to stop happening to us.
Yes. Be the home wrecker you've always dreamed of being.
She asked if i could guess "what shape her carpet was". I got it wrong (christmas tree).
Why does 2015 have to start with so many regrets?
Stop acting like the Lucky Charms you're feeding people is actually ecstasy.
New drinking game, drink every time Rhianna says "Work" in her new song.
I woke up in a boat, with a life jacket on, tons of beer cans and no lake... I was inside a garage. WTF
Randomize
