i just saw a man dusting the fake palm trees at the mall
...welcome to nebraska
I can feel you judging me through the phone.
i just ran into our bio chem professor at the bar. apparently, he doesn't follow the "no slapping your students' asses" rule.
What's the second line of that rhyme that starts "Vicodin before scotch...?"
I figured that I'd start organizing the places ive given head. I'll add treehouse right after bandroom
You were offering to spell people's name for a dollar.
My only objective is to get drunk enough to forget the last 364 days.
So I had a crappy evening so the fat girl in me says eat and cry and watch something sad. The cool girl in me says don't eat go run. So I'm watching family guy and doing crunches w a pickle in my mouth
Gross
AN ACTUAL PICKLE
Apparently I'm the last girl he had sex with. That was over a month ago. If he can go that long without sex then he's clearly not the guy for me
Please tell me that is you having sex in my car in my driveway and not a complete stranger.
So high I started thinking my desktop picture of a cat was too erotic for the workplace.
I just got three pairs of underwear free and a bathing suit for $20 by modeling them and letting the salesman grope me a bit.
It's great being a young gay man in Chicago!
dying me prepared for dead me... i woke up with my laptop open to the last snl episode, a bottle of gatorade, advil and a bag of chocolate all next to me
I fell asleep with a half eating burrito in my hand and woke up to cat vomit with burrito in it.
How awkward is it to have the guy you used to sleep with congratulate you on your engagement? I'll tell you. Very.
Randomize
