Me too ba-by. I wanna bite your ear lobes they are so fat.
i wanted to go smoke pot, so i told my mom i was getting tutored. she asked what time i would be back, i told her learning doesn't have a curfew
Most guys don't get turned on by "skinny, gangly legged girl with glasses laying in bed touching herself." You better start working on your diction if you're gonna keep up the sexting.
It was like watching Stephen Hawking try to swim.
Tried to bribe the bartender with wedding cake. Felt bad for not giving her a tip.
I traded my shirt for vodka. I wonder if my parents can pinpoint where they went wrong raising me.
He never answered about passing his structures test no matter how I asked him. He did send a text saying that he would be "pouring alcohol into his head and balls" so I'm guessing he has to retake the whole class.
My wife just tried to justify to me why she wants to bring a girl into bed with us. I should win an academy award for my face and response of 'well of its what you need.'
Pretty sure i brought my phone charger to a booty call
We get drunk and make out in different places. Is that what love is?
You walked up to me, grabbed my face and said "I just peed in the sink!"
I am pretty sure I just put SoCo in the bird feeder
IT IS NICKEL SHIT NIGHT
*shot. Why
Sorry I trained your dog in Spanish last night. At least he listens to someone now.
I'm eating a bagel on the toilet and watching porn. Trust me, I've got my priorities straight.
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