1. Mark my dj buddy and I spent $1000 on bottles last night
2. We were casually offered narcotics while walking down the street
3. I will still be awake when you start school tmw, cause there's no last call
So if any tells you miami is the same as the rest of america, there are just lying to you
he spit gasoline on a tiki torch to impress a girl. he caught on fire but did get laid. success.
It's the foolproof way to identify who didn't get laid last night
she had a concussion and she still scored nine points higher than me on the midterm
screw it, I'll just be a stripper until next August when then are looking for suitable teachers to teach the future of America. it's like a feel good movie just a little out of order and im a dude.
When you text me tomorrow to remind me to mail your parking pass, also remind me to make sure i did NOT pack my vibrator for this family vacation
No one suspects that a sweet girl who is excited about her anniversary with her bf just blew her partner at work in a communal area a few hours ago, so its cool.
I'm treating this like a real date. My boobs aren't even out.
I'm so proud, I have tears
We're so stoned that were both cuddling on the couch and crying over Forest Gump while eating popcorn. She asked me if I'd fuck away the sadness. I think she's serious.
Your first mistake was thinking that you could get through the day without drinking a single bottle of alcohol. Your second mistake was wearing shark boxers.
Also, let me tell you how embarrassing it is to match with someone who seemingly has their shit together at 4:45AM on a Thursday.
It's my day off, I'm going to Target to check out Moms in yoga pants
My ex's girlfriend just invited me clubbing. Guess who won the breakup?
Would an open wound count as good sex or bad sex?
Yes, the maid of honor did just deep throat the mic during the toast. How do I follow that?
Randomize
