Just got done shaving my balls. You were right.
I got her a Nickelback box set.
They only remember me when they're drunk...I'm like a suppressed memory.
She loves me even though she knows all Ive done. Shes kind of like jesus.
Brought 2 entire pizzas with to the bar, everyone loves us
After 13 tally marks I wrote the number 4,000 and made u sign my arm to prove it.
I just tried to make cleaning gasoline off your shoes with toilet paper in the Chemistry Building bathroom look normal. I failed.
Birthday are for suffering. TAke some tylenol pm and day-drink tomorrow
If a girl called me a promiscuous philandering Casanova, should I say thank you?
Most definitely.
There's someone howling in the parking lot. Haha.
He called some chick he used to fuck for cash to get food delivered to cheer me up
Is it too early in the day to ask a nipple-related question?
A boy just offered to come over and help me clean my house. I hope you are more successful than he will be tonight.
He drunk texted me what I think is two snails fucking on a mushroom. Is "you sick bastard" too mild a rejection?
It may be a clusterfuck, but I'll be looking classy as shit as I watch the nightmare unfold
Randomize
