watching jon and kate + 8 right now is like watching my parents split up
she was giving me head and that cheryl crow 'youre favorite mistake' song came on. she looks up and all i could do was nod
her moans were so awkward that i kept asking "what" when she'd say my name...
We decided that the paper cups disintegrating was god's way of telling us we had had enough
In Berlin they just cured HIV with stem cells. I am hereby fucking anything that moves.
By the way, thank you for feeding me fries when I was sitting on the floor.
Great. Woke up in Ts room wearing one sock, a glove and a beret with a sorrority chick CLEARLY out of my league. Jose Cuervo you ARE a friend of mine.
I woke up to him pissing in their fireplace with fairy wings on.
I'm auditing financial statements and ur growing weed this is bullshit how did this happen to me
You're fucking beautiful as shit and we should have loving sex...
We fucked like animals and then decided we actually liked each other so then we made love. It's a match made in heaven.
Maybe. I want to have sex at the fire station, most likely on one of the trucks. I wonder if I can finagle that before I tire of the spelling and grammatical errors in his texts.
I'm warming McDonald's pies on my heater cause I'm too high for the microwave.
yeah I woke up in jail with two different shoes on and neither of them were mine
I’m glad they have a happy marriage but why do they have to inflict it on the rest of us?
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