I just saw a neon sign in a bar window that says, "open to Public" but the L is burnt out.
I hate babysitting girls whose boobs are bigger than mine.
On this egg donor form, it asks "In the past 5 years, have you had sex for drugs or money?" It only gives a yes or no option and no place to explain myself. What do I do?
Just took my pill on time for two days in a row. I deserve a prize.
Not having phil's child is good enough.
His penis was definitely too big to be the type that wants commitment. Shit.
Shoot me. Guy hitting on me with a beaver on his head. Says it is his spirit animal.
You were laying in bed whispering and crying to the half eaten burrito saying "why am I shitting so much" and "what did I do to deserve this"
The one thing I know about living in Vegas is the closest I'll ever come to being a father is singing the theme song from Full House to a garbage can while I eat an entire birthday cake.
sounds like it. if it makes you feel better i blew up a $75000 farm tractor last night.
Judge me all you want, but while you are stuck at home eating Ramen and tap water, I will be dining with some guy who, although might be the same age as my father, is filthy rich.
You pissed off the back deck while listening to the national anthem from your phone screaming America Fuck Yea to my neighbors
I think the worst was the guy who sent me YouTube videos about how age doesn't matter, and then a link for natural breast enhancements. Kill me.
it was like fucking a Mumford & Sons song
Let's celebrate that I used a condom
i am craving dick and cupcakes
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