drank two beers while on the toilet at home during lunch break. new high or new low, not sure
Sometimes I think my vagina thinks its a penis.
I love my grandma, but if I have to sit and watch one more show on Bravo, I'm gonna burn her fuckin house to the ground
Just saw a porn entitled "Nad Biter". Redheads are now forever out of the picture.
Hey. I can't work your space dryer so I'm wearing your blanket home. I'll get my clothes later. Fun party!
You were face down in the punch bowl, humming the theme to jaws
That explains the stains on my shirt
The trick will be getting hammered before we get to the first bar
Challenge accepted
If you quit, you're not going to stick to our game plan of dead by 40. I will not be in the titty bar nursing home without you damning
Damnit.
Just seen a chubby version of you. Nearly kidnapped her. Perfect woman
Note to self: remember to figure out whether melted cheese is a liquid when not stoned
Basically she credited me and my dick pic for boosting the moral of all the Safeway workers
Once you jizz in someones hat, you cant take it back.
A guy I hooked up with YEARS ago just endorsed me on LinkedIn for "customer service".
I think the God that I only kind of believe in, definitely hates me.
I hate when my Bumble matches make it hard for me to stalk them.
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