if you find a joe biden blowup doll in the attic, I call dibs
fuck you guys, stop putting fake babies in my car the cops came again.
Let's just say a refrigerator got involved and after that I had to send him home.
There is soup leaking out of my nose nothing in life has prepared me for this moment
you know you're a senior when your friends are at the bar before you even get out of class
why the fuck would you go to class? it's karaoke wednesday.
This girl just swallowed a pealed banana whole. I'm not worthy.
i asked the cop if we could stop and do a chinese firedrill.... he said no.
Just found a condom on my floor from last weekend. 2/2. The scavenger hunt is over.
We smoked bowls and watched Cops for what seemed like hours. And yet I know I'll go back.
Dude, I can't even reach my asshole to wipe it. I have a lot more to be thankful for this Thanksgiving.
I can't help you there
I didn't have time to wash my hair yesterday. Ended up spraying some Febreeze on it.
Nothing makes me prouder to be liberal and socialist than the idea of desecrating the memory of Ronald Reagan
I just matched the dude who's car I rear ended 2 years ago on tinder. I don't think he remembers.
Remember that Czech tennis player I brought home from beer pong and banged on your couch last year? He just booty calle me. From the Czech Republic.
He fucks strippers and doesn’t have a life plan. Of course I’m going to regret this
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