I got so drunk I pissed the bed last night. He still likes me. He's a keeper
He is a keeper. You on the other hand are not.
just because you dressed up as a brontosaurus doesn't mean you can poop in my yard and roar at my neighbors
ever had your bank call you to verify the 4 seperate bar transactions from the night before? I have
she just gave her compliments to the chief, at dennys
while being fingered today, I was told I have an abnormally deep g-spot. Now you know, I am a size queen because of SCIENCE.
This is one of the fundamental differences between you and I. If I found meat in a plastic bag, I wouldn't put it in my mouth.
I could tell by the Randy 'Machoman' Savage "hey brother" that you were beyond inebriated
I had her number in my wallet, I was sitting on a winning ticket for the blowjob lottery and didn't know
I'm using toast as a chaser. If I wasn't already so fucked up this would be revolting.
Two run-ins with cops/park rangers tonight and now I'm just wandering around high and shirtless
Sacramento doesn't deserve you
look on the scale of 1 to the time you hit an old lady with your car chlamydia barely even rates
You had me at "let me see your balls"
When breakfast is a rum &coke at the office Christmas party you know it's gonna be a good day
I'm watching Trainwreck with Jeff and realizing that I'm the John Cena in my relationship.
fuck you
also please return my underwear, they were one of my favourite pairs xo
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