She is making me post-sex grilled cheese at 2 am wearing only shorts and cowboy boots. I am so in love
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Currently standing on top of my parents leather couch with no pants on playing helicoptor with my penis. You?
Just found a "how to get laid" book on the dresser and am now a victim of method number 16 corollary 7.
Then he showed me his sketchbook. Every drawing was a hand in different 'fingering positions'. Dear JESUS.
I made her a sippy cup with eggnog and whiskey. My meditation app told me to go the extra mile for someone today, so I did.
Scratch one off the douchebag bucket list. Just saw a guy in a sesame street tshirt and a tap out hat. Didn't get the memo that big bird's trying to get into mma.
Tell me about it. Running across highways take alot outta ya. When he found out, he was all "concerned" about it.
so i might have figured out why that girl isn't talking to me...I'm 90% confident I didn't give her a pillow when she stayed over >.>
You need to get laid. You spent last night stumbling through the club pulling couples apart and telling them to leave room for Jesus.
he's so sweet and its so cute. but I swear to fuck if I let my guard down and this was all a lie I am going to become a serial killer.
We're starting to light shit on fire, bring a metal bucket. Be prepared, Jimmy's off his meds.
He said "I can't believe I had sex with a cat lady". Am I flattered or is this a new low?
i woke up to drewlling on a plate of eggrolls half naked halfway between my bed and the floor, and i have no idea where my pants went
Sorry, Geoff can’t come to his phone right now. He’s outside trying to show his dick to a bachelorette party bus with “DTF” written on the windows
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