I think my grandma died before she was convinced I was straight
I woke up this morning with my shirt on upside down.
You mean inside out.
No, upside down. I ripped the neck hole in the process of getting it around my waist.
just got pizza delivered to the hot tub. its easier than i thought to be this lazy
Two things. 1 - I want to apologize for my drunkeness last night. 2 - I want to pre-apologize for my anticipated drunkeness tonight.
So apparently the christmas orgy was a complete disaster
She gave me a foot massage while her friend rode me. Your gf puked into the oscolating fan. How were our nites alike?
Every shot buddy I have I end up blowing. I don't know whether this pattern is good or bad.
Hon, I found you crying into a bathrobe in the back of a closet with a broken shoerack.
Dude. The only thing that I use less than my dick is my tennis racket. We need to play.
sex, shower, sex, ice cream sandwiches?
I would rather you cheat on me then you watch this season of Breaking Bad without me.
In other news: I massively over-caffeinated this morning. Everything is vibrating and I can SEE THROUGH TIME
ok but bondage is pretty much my easy mode
I woke up under a house in Key West
Talk all the shit you want but I slept in a oversized monster truck tire last night.
Randomize
