so my aunt is sitting on the couch, eating a brownie and watching the biggest loser saying how it's not that hard to eat healthy
man i love america
Look I'm sorry I shaved your cat, but get over it.
No one wears that much makeup to work unless they are trying to fuck their boss, NO ONE
Sitting in airport bathroom. Guy walks into toilet next to me and announces "I want to apologize to the entire airport for what I'm about to do"
I can't. I drank 10 years off my life last night. I need to reevaluate. Sorry.
I'm reliable. I always make it home. I always throw up in the street too.
this relationship shit is hard. like i'd like to be able to watch veep without him trying to dry hump me. also im drunk and its 11 am so
I just fucked her in the corner of an ally while holding a large pizza waiting on a pledge for a ride.
I think he bit my vagina. Who does that?
dude, i just found out morgan freeman loves weed. all my moms arguments are now irrelevant
She's walking down the sidewalk with a notebook, a pencil, and a box of cheez its while yelling profanities at small animals.... I'm going 2 ask her where she was before this.
You can have my vag. Its useless without you.
I want to shoot him sideways (so he can still breathe) in the Adam's apple with my little crossbow.
Just a heads up that Dad just brought home a new Porsche and the sales girl he bought it from.
Umm okay. What are they doing?
They’re in the hot tub
Can I get divorced when I grow up?
That’s all I need in life: vibrators, butt plugs, strawberry lube, and sour gummies
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