I just saw on the news, this guy tried to smuggle coke in a bouquet of roses... and to think I used to hate valentines day.
don't think this is any sort of attachment thing but if I'm going to throw up regularly at your house, I'm going to keep a tooth brush there
he called me back to his office so he could lick a line of pixie stick off of my thigh
be sure to add "office slut" to your resume
I just got this text "hi this is Julie, I met you last night in the bathroom. You asked me to text you and remind you that you ate an entire lime, because you figured your sober self in the morning would be confused."
ive realized i need to start an "avoid moving in with my parents after graduation" fund
i put that paper plate back in your cabinet because i ate all the ketchup off and you can't even tell. you're welcome.
Doing Jager Bombs on a Sunday morning is justified...How else is my team going to win?
Just ignore his excessive use of exclamation points and be happy this one is of age.
You fucker.
Just face planted the stairs. Apparently Santa brought an extra step while I was at the bar... Fucking dick
I'm FaceTiming Pizza Hut.
I just coughed and my vagina hurt. We need to hook up more.
You could woo kevin with a boquet of breakfast burritos. He loves those burritos. You could use the hot sauce packets like babies breathe
Honestly and this might sound scary... But I want to get high and play with weapons
I'm watching the World Cup in bed naked with john and our USA flag aviator glasses. Can you say America?
They were so sore! Either I have bed bugs or you were biting my nipples last night and don't lie to me.
Randomize
