Dude! wtf happend last nite? I woke up with 2 black eyes and a head ache
You stepped off the curb and face planted the road...twice
Why didnt you hold me up....and why a second time?
I helped you up but figured it was wayy funnier to watch you fall again then lose my buzz....
why did u let me go home with him last night?
u were determined it was a good idea
dude, i just saw a bobcat while i was rollerblading this morning
1 dont ever text someone @ 8am on sat. 2 dont ever admit to rollerblading past 1992.
Apparently I called 911 everytime Sean Kingston told me to
that was after you ironed the burrito. didn't leave much cheese on the ironing board though
studying for my Anatomy final and masturbating to Japanese porn are practically the same thing
P.S. I just watched The Muppets. I feel like I just got a sadness enema.
I just took a shower and found half a cookie melted under my boob. Please tell me there's a reason
Please acknowledge the sock on the door. If not it will be rammed up your ass.
Are you still feeling it? I'm in the bathtub. The water doesn't work but it's okay because I'm wearing pants.
I walked into my house with my pants inside out, no shoes and a limp. My mom asked me if I had fun but I passed out before I could reply...
When you wake up with a bow tie and mustache drawn on your penis, you know you had a good night.
He asked the waiter, at 6:40 am, drunk, if they served alcohol. After he said no, he's like 'well, I guess we can eat then.'
You were just laying there on the air mattress watching spongebob with a knife. We tried to take it from you, but you insisted it was your emergency escape in case you started to float off.
I found my parents stash of sex toys. You know my green one? My mom has it...in purple. I HAVE THE SAME VIBRATOR AS MY MOTHER
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