I'm pouring my heart out in these texts and you're going around showing everyone???
that's just what I need...drunk ass people throwin hatchets in the dark.
Nothing is worse than puking naked in front of strangers
I read the police report. You asked the cop if you could use his in-car computer to update your facebook. No way you get out of a DUI.
at home by myself drinkin the left over champagne from my party... who says my birthday has to end?
Just try to lay there and not be pregnant.
Anytime you have a hot, flirty, married woman that wants to ride you like a horse and slap your ass, you've got to do it.
Yeah, but four times?
i asked if you wanted help changing your sheets after you threw up in bed. you politely declined. i take no responsibility after that.
Vodka @ 9pm. Library. Nothing can go wrong, I promise.
Trust me. My penis has made more than enough decisions this weekend.
Well pretty sure I lost 3 of my best friends in one week. Remember when I said I wasn't sure if I was gonna be a better person or a more despicable one in 2012. Despicable wins.
You peed on someone's house because they had a Wisconsin flag.
Opening beer with my teeth is getting easier the drunker I become.
It turns out my teeth are bleeding.
We just had a 30 min argument on the actual birth date of Jesus, it ended in my brother and ain't cursing each other and an 8 yr old answering it by using Siri.
Woke up with an e-cig stuck in my asshole. Explain.
Randomize
