I drank enough to make her look pretty . . It worked and i threw up while going at it
Honestly there's alot of things I'm confused about the only thing I know for certain about last night is that I ate pizza
i'm in hospital, i have an exam in 3 hours and the man in the cubicle next to me is doing a noisy poo. this has to get better.
just saw a midget ride a motorized cooler into the liquor store. i'm gonna follow him home.
Beer bonged 7 shots of Jameson. I title this night short stories with tragic endings.
My vagina is depressed thinking about her future.
she scratched her sororities letters into my back when she was done. i think i was part of some sick game. sick twisted sexy game
Bro I can't jerk it to my phone anymore. I feel Siri staring back, and she's real disappointed.
This guy smelled his armpits before trying to approach me at the bar
Maybe I'm nitpicking, but that looked more like how one would jerk off an elephant than it did playing air guitar.
This morning he fucked me while I was brushing my teeth. So I kept brushing as he thrusted. Then I brushed his teeth with my toothbrush while he was still in me. So hygienic.
She shows up drunk at 3am for sex and then punches me straight in the eye in the middle of it because "you're too nice."
Crying while listening to Miley Cyrus. BE GLAD YOU JUMPED THIS SINKING SHIP!
It's 9:07 in the morning and I am so hungover right now I'm about to take the kids I'm babysitting to mf'ing Popeyes bc that's all I want in this world
Well I'm back. Could you fill me in on what I missed?
You don't want to know. Trust me.
Randomize
