I am I'm going to have heart failure he's peed on my life.
All the good ones are taken. All that's left is the Harry Potter geek or the asshole in the corner. I think I'll settle for Harry Potter.
but i got with him after midnight so its technically 2 days
fuck your aforementioned shoe
just got invited to smoke a bowl by a guy who has a prostetic leg and has been on the jerry springer show multiple times. I love my life right now
if you want blown tonight you're gonna have to take me up on that offer now. in less then 45 minutes you're gonna be blacked out and i'm not doing something i'm not getting credit for in the morning.
I drunk-cried for all conjoined twins everywhere the other day.
She's barefoot and topless screaming "HERE KITTY-KITTY" at a stray cat in the ditch on the side of the highway. How do I get her back in the car?
Please, by all means, tell me what can't be helped by two stiff drinks & a blowjob?
The only times girls talk to me at clubs is when they're asking if I'm okay when I'm puking outside. Or if it's a tranny
Prop 8 repealed and I FINALLY got my period. Good day for America!!!
My Captain America poster fell down. Cap is disappointed in my life decisions.
Your babysitter texted, wants me to pay with weed. I don't know where to get any & don't want to. Will she take cigarettes instead? Or um, cash? Like a person?
Humming the Indiana Jones theme song as my hand makes its way to his dick.
After this weekend my vagina will follow his penis anywhere. It’s like the pied piper, but with penis
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