im surrounded by empty glasses of chocolate milk WTF
Do you know how when animals have surgery they put those cones around their heads so they can't lick their wounds so they can heal? I think someone should invent that for human emotions.
So thanks to the xanax and vodka memory erasering combo i wake up only to reopen a picture of some very familiar balls
To make up for the snow days we missed he's making us write a paper on alcoholism. It's like he knows.
You are two creepy Justin Bieber quotes away from me not talking to you for the rest of the day
If I had a pelvic thrust emoticon, I would use it
Just interrupted a freshman tour to ask where the sexual health center is. Figured I'd just give us all what we were really looking for.
I enjoyed our heart to heart in the trunk on the way to the stripclub
In order of importance: Where am I? Where's my car? Where are my clothes? Who is this chick in the room?
Anne's couch, the bar, your car, Anne.
Never visiting again. You guys drink like immortals
At the ER, will you come pick me up... Had an allergic reaction, wanted to see if I could eat a peanut without dying... Do you how bad this is evolutionary, I would have died back in the days of survival of the fitest by now
Wanna get really high and go on a Valentine's Day Sexathon cause we're both single or would that be weird?
Are you playing pokemon in the dark and sexting? I can't be mad at that.
I met someone else! And I had a wonderful orgasm! And he wants to see me again, like take me out!
I feel like my liver should be on crutches right now
Watching Colbert Report and porn at the same time.
Randomize
