im at a bar with my dad last night and he got hit on more that I did
Bt dubs, I still have cuts on my arm from when you attacked me with a dildo on Saturday night.
She threw up all over when she was giving me dome. Not even gonna lie, it felt really good.
Everytime I know she spent a lot of time on her hair for one of our dates, I intentionally cum on the top of her head. That's how she knows I pay attention.
I wish we could skip the pretense of being normal and just start drinking wine with breakfast
My drug dealer just texted me that his kid had a rough sleep and was running late to deliver the ounce to my office. Totes adorbs.
He hasn't responded, but he probably just jizzed in his shorts again, so I'll give him time.
Guess what I signed up for?!?!?!
Please tell me you're not selling your eggs.
Help everyone's hot
Men are hot women are hot non-binary people are hot aliens are hot
I don't know what the bubonic plague feels like- but I'm gonna guess its something like this.
I feel like too many of my sentences start of with "Hey, fuckface!"
did you make it home?
i'm in a room and it looks like mine :)
hahah close nuff if it isnt
What was the name of that sleazy asshole I'm not allowed to sleep with?
I felt like a slutty ass cruella devil driving your old car, And I got in a fight with your wipers
If I'm getting through this pandemic I'm doing it drunk.
Randomize
