My little sister just found a condom in her bag i borrowed... Happy fourteenth birthday.
I just put lube in Matt's bellybutton. He looks unhappy.
He told me he was a psychology major, and I responded by asking him where he hid his vagina.
At my internship. I get drug tested tmr at 2
Are they going to pay you for the one day you worked?
nothing can ever be as bad as the night i blacked out, updated my fb status to i need a pity fuck and then passed out for 13 hours.
How can I explain how nice he is to you? ...like, I'm going to have to have my world famous why being a douche is sexy talk.
I just replaced the poop spray with an air horn... Now we wait!
You made her yell her own name while you were fucking so that you would remember it in the morning.
I'm right down the road from AJ's old house and I'm getting mixed feelings. My vagina is remembering good dick. But the rest of me is remembering horrible times.
Apparently I called him, said "vodka" and then hung up on him.
My walk of shame wasn't complete until I projectile vomited clutching my truck bumper while he just smiled with that look of regret.
there are not enough nopes in the world for that situation.
Got to use the phrase "sweet pukas dude." My day is made.
I had to switch coats with someone at work because you can see the giant sex choke bruise on my neck. Being kinky is hard.
Learned two new lessons today: 1) Do not identify pills found in one's car by taking them to see what happens, especially while at work, and 2) There is no logical reason to keep ambien in one's vehicle...
Randomize
