So shortly after drunk sex...she starts crying and saying..." you don't care about me, you never do anything nice for me" so I called her a cab
We need to start having sex underwater more often.
The cop and I then joined forces to get you up off the sidewalk.
He chipped a tooth on the first beer. You know the night is just going to be a slushy mess after that.
I just don't fit in here. The other wives are ten years older and have kids!
Well, you chose trophy wife of a 35 year old over college. Sit in your suburban soup and stew.
Stoned in some guys basement listening to ELO. it's like its 1978.
If I don't have tequila in my hand soon, I'm going to have to violate human rights laws
WHO DOES THAT ON A TUESDAY? This is not a Drake joke, the girl doesn't turn up OR down. She doesn't do anything.
Too bad I can't un-pee in his body wash
I don't know what's worse. The fact that my biological mother is an unwitting bigamist, or the fact that my half sister is trying to seduce my girlfriend.
That awkward moment when your drug dealer pulls your boss out of the snow
I don't need romance, I need cheese sticks
I'm no doctor but I don't think balls are supposed to look like that.
I walked in on my sister eating my leftover burrito naked. How could my night have gotten any worse?
I swam, I rode a bicycle, I rode a horse, I danced. It was like a real life tampon advert.
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