We found an eightball on the ground last night. I mean, really, who does that?
It's not true, it's not true! She's too full of cheese to have sexy time!
Ah why did you tell everyone you dragged your sac across my face!
My cousin had a baby so we have to look at it. Apparently the event is byob
Dont even try and act like it wasn't you who made the sex tape of my dogs.
Did I show you my penis last night?
He kept insisting that I was going to have an orgasm but it just felt like he was rubbing sand paper on my vagina
You did a jig for the bouncer when you saw him. Just reminding you.
He has pizza coupons and a hammer next to his toilet.
Shaving my legs with an ankle monitor on is surprisingly more difficult than the drunk driving that got me here
You screamed 'no, YOU put some pants on' at a cop. I pretended not to know you.
It's not really the holidays until I raid the medicine cabinet. Happy hydrocodone to me
And a merry methadone to all
Hey where the fuck is the rest of my beer? Lets start this day off right
The first thing I did when I got to the apartment was masturbate on the couch
i told her we had a class about unicorns together. i'd say it was a good night
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