I can't open my eyes
Lol why not?
Because I have fat ankles and I'm drunk
you should be back in the room by now but just so you know. you passed out at the black jack table and they wheel chaired you out. strip club in about 45 minutes. game face bro.
Its official, drinking for 15 hours counts as a suicide attempt
I feel like I just walked the hall of shame thru the marriott. Everyone stared.
I think it was the shoes and limping. Not the sex. I could b wrong.
in a garage, wearing a toga, theyre debating the logistics of Coke Pong. If I don't make it out of here... it was me who stole your Barbie in the 4th grade- I've never forgiven myself.
This must be what defeat feels like to Tom Brady today. I bet he wishes he could barf up all of his bad decisions from yesterday, too.
I don't know if it has occurred to you yet, but you are dating a nymphomaniac, and your work schedule is an interference of my needs being fulfilled. Get home now.
My ex was there, the 2 girls I'm seeing showed up and I had a pocket full of VIP passes 2 the strip club. Had all the makings of an epic night but I fell asleep at the bar.
he wouldn't lick chocolate syrup off of me because he's vegan. most awkward shower ever.
after you left he started opening his bottles by smashing the neck against the edge of the fireplace and pouring beer into his mouth. it was about the manliest thing ive ever seen. its probably how lumberjacks open their beers... if they didnt have their axes handy.
Wearing rip off pants to a booty call last night was one of my most brilliant ideas ever.
Honestly you'd think more guys would be happy to date a cute female dealer, but apparently something about safety or whatever
I have six new people in my phone that I don't remember adding. One of them is "Bourbon Yeah." Successful evening?
FUCK YOU AND YOUR WEAK ASS EYEBROWS
I just twinged a muscle in my shoulder trying to hug myself. In the world of loneliness-based injuries, this is a new low for me.
Randomize
