this girl literally referred to her butthole as her "back pussy"
I hate to say it, but I think my pandora being Marvin Gaye love songs was the prime reason for the bj last night
day 8: i just gave goat a piece of pineapple soaked in rum. as an animal science major, im ashamed. as a normal person, it was awesome.
i always knew that i'd have sex in your room, i just assumed it would be with you
She said we should all be mermaids since didn't breathe for 9 months inside our mothers. I want her logic.
I WILL STOP HOOKING UP WITH GUYS EX'S FOR REVENGE. I WILL STOP HOOKING UP WITH GUYS EX'S FOR REVENGE. I WILL STOP HOOKING UP WITH GUYS EX'S FOR REVENGE.
how did my horoscope know i was too hungover to operate a stove.
You sat on a wall pretending to be a gargoyle before shouting "batman!" and jumping at me
I'm the drunk Des Moines deserves, but not the one it needs
I will not be held responsible for my vagina's poor judgment.
First time at a gay bar. I found a surrogate AND sperm donor! The surrogate is straight, so it evens out.
Jacked up my neck and shoulder hanging on for dear life while I rode him like a boss. Plus my house smells like broccoli, bad! How's YOUR morning?
Me and some girl at the bar just high fived for not wearing bras
I'm proud of all of us. Somehow we all survived another Jägerbomb Tuesday
he stopped mid makeout and said "can I pray for you?"
Vodka Red Bull is like your spinach if you were Popeye
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