Pretty people don't get stds, I knew it
You should really figure out how to get me a picture that will pop up on my phone when you call
Just upload a picture of Bea Arthur. That's what my soul looks like these days
she just stood in the kitchen yelling "REAL WOMEN HAVE CURVES"
Ur just texting me random shit. That's what Twitter is for
her roommate was in the bathroom for over an hour so i volunteered to take the dog out and i shit in the bushes
Well, I guess this was as good a night as any to find out I don't know how to use my fire extinguisher.
Brought a cooler and a case to a parade. I'm getting dirty looks since it's 10:30. Telling people it's for the troops.
I think it is impossible 2 take a person seriously when their last name is Pancake
just ran into a kid I used to hook up with while wearing his shirt. Only me. I tried to pretend like it wasn't his but it said his name on the back so I wasn't winning that.
I'm currently day drinking, studying and making corn. Don't tell me what I can't do.
Dude you spent 20 minutes on the phone with dominos answering machine trying to order a pizza
Wanna get really high and go on a Valentine's Day Sexathon cause we're both single or would that be weird?
I woke up with what appeared to be LSD in my pocket. Know anything about this?
He's got the good dick trifecta - flip phone, works outside, bed with no headboard.
Well that didn’t go as expected.
I mean, it ended in you giving each of them a blowjob, so it kinda did.
Randomize
