...so i touched it.
Do you remember peeing on the wall and then yelling at us to stop looking at your dick?
You love me.
That's because, tragically, I adore whores.
He had the Transformers symbol tattooed to his chest. We had to do it doggy style so I could laugh into my pillow instead of his face.
I just witnessed Grandma making her infamous daiquiris. Extraordinary.
2pm: Breaking news alert: I think I'm finally sober. Oh, and that place needs hotter strippers.
i took my sailor hat off and used it as a vom bucket
They wouldn't let me go to sleep at the police station while I was waiting to bail u out. YOU OWE ME
It was fun until the stripper told me it was her first day and started crying.
He walked door to door asking if anyone needed to get laid. Surprisingly, that ended his drought
This is going to be one of those "I can only do this high" classes
Pretty sure I just became my mom's wingman
I'm gonna have to get you a special blowjob bib -- like a lobster bib -- but instead of a picture of a little red lobster, it will have a picture of a penis, with 3 big squirts coming out.
All I wanted was a couple of orgasms before work, is that too much to ask?!
hey im sorry i made fun of the color of your sheets, but like it was all i could focus on during sex because they were just THAT UGLY
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