overheard a conversation between 2 lesbians: 'back when I used to have dick sex...' oh, vegas, I so heart you
I was wasted and lost so I called the cops and asked for directions. It seemed logical at the time
woke up this morning with a pool of champagne in my purse. apparently i was saving it for later.
i just went through and liked all 1,239 of her pictures instead of writing my english paper. don't tell her, i want her to be surprised
So, remember how that one doctor said it was 1 in a million that I'd get pregnant...
Yeeah thank god
Well..welcome to parenting Mr. one in a million.
about to tell this girl that sh'es my teenage dream. you have 15.358s to stop me.
Taking my tights off outside the club to give them to the homeless man was my contribution to humanity. The fact that it was snowing just made me feel like superman.
I FEEL like I celebrated someone's 21st, but really I just celebrated Tuesday.
I just contemplated drinking cheese dip. And by "contemplated," I mean "attempted and was forcibly stopped from."
He should know he can't successfully wrestle in pudding fully clothed. Amateur.
Family trip though. I generally don't wheel too much ass with the fam in tow. Despite the fact my parents would be pleased if I did.
I ate 2 pot cookies before we left the house. Fuck Pokemon. I'm playing my own game.
Are you ok?!
I assume I've stopped bleeding because I haven't passed out, but can't verify currently.
I apparently lifted the young child over my head yelling "Victory!" after that last game of pool, right before doing some Girls Just Wanna Have Fun karaoke.
Had a dick customer and the words "eat my ass" slipped out. He proceeded to lick his lips and say present it. I think it's time I quit.
Randomize
