At a straight bar and poker face just came on...must...resist....urge to gay it up
Why would that come on at a straight bar? I thought they just played Don't Stop Believin and Wonderwall on repeat
I was just standing there and then BOOM! She was attacking my face with her mouth.
I don't get it, man. She treated me like a sexual predator but treated you like a piece of meat.
Just used my last prints at the library for brackets instead of final reviews. Hello March.
I'm pretty sure he told me he was sterile and I told him I was on the pill. The positive pregnancy test I'm holding in my hand right now tells me that at least one of us was lying.
I have been drinking at the bar so long today that I literally just found a spiderweb from my leg to the bar.
Which is scary since we both think with our vaginas
I just saw that cheerleader from u of arkansas that I hooked up with over spring break on espn. My parents would be so proud.
Softest bathroom rug I've slept on in my life, there have been many
He crawled over to me grabbed my boob asked me if I liked cats and then passed out. If that's really my RA, it's gonna be a long year
We need large glitter to throw at people to signify our mystic nature
Fuck their feelings and their drinks they will get hit with sparkly confetti
You work today? I woke up with a raging boner that was whispering your name
And after we debated politics. My dream come true: naked, just got done having great sex with a hot mixed guy, talking about why social welfare programs are a bad idea
So I got my junk pierced since we've fucked. You should get in on this.
I just instagramed a picture of an ostrich in case you were wondering what I did with my night
I could be the Kenny Powers of Sex Therapists.
Randomize
