Literally 6000 elephants in my backyard.
There are GROWN MEN with fake HP wands flinging curses at me in Walmart.
That's funny. Are they weird looking???
OF COURSE THEY ARE WEIRD LOOKING, THEY ARE STALKING ME IN WALMART. WITH. FAKE. WANDS.
I woke up at 3am naked and stroking a watermelon.
He asked me "did you used to go to church" while we were having sex.
We team puked and then made sex like wild monkeys. If that isn't love, I don't know what is.
Nothing quite like coming out of an alcohol induced blackout walking down Spruill Avenue carrying a silver briefcase full of IT tools you don't know where they came from. This is my life.
I wish there were birth control emojis
We smoked a bowl in front of the abortion clinic shouting Obama at the protestors.
When dressing for a 3way, how do I convey to the other chick I care enough to look pretty but not so much that it's a huge deal?
don't bring your nerd jargon into this conversation about my naked body
I didn't even mind that he came early I just wanted to get eaten out and cuddle
Remind me to NEVER AGAIN mix beer with tequila with beer with whiskey with vodka with rum with vodka.
I just shook glitter of my birth control packet so I’d say it’s safe to say it was a good weekend
The last time I went out with these guys I won an iced tea maker from a drag queen.
my roommates gone so i can take codeine and sleep naked
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