If you want her to think you're a true humanitarian, you may want to stop referring to Hands Across America as "the Ghostbusters 2 of fund raisers."
highlight from tonight: i hit on her and her mother.
How do 1 in 4 women misread a pregnancy test; how stupid are women?
my dog ran away and came back with a marajuana plant. what are you doing tonight?
I bought a zebra print bikini, I'm gonna be honest here- if he doesn't want to have sex with me in this, he's gay.
i would bitch about being this hungover, but honestly im just happy to be alive after this weekend
He hid IN a snowbank for 2 hours waiting for me to come home. This game has to stop before someone dies.
there has got to be a maximum amount of semen a person can take in before they get some kind of poisoning.
while i was sleeping he changed my screen saver to his dick with a heart frame around it. I just might be falling in love.
Tomorrow, if I don't look at least 5% better than I do on a regular day to day basis, I want you to hit me and tell me that no one will ever love me if I continue to look like I just rolled out of a cocaine induced hibernation. I'm asking you for tough love.
The 12 year old son winked and made eyes at me while his father fed me vodka gummy bears. Gameday yo
Everyone heard you scream that I was to be naked, in your bed in 5 minutes. We were one hell of a shitshow spectacle
I fill condoms, not promises.
Nick's drunk off his ass and Kyle just Texted me and all he said was "butt pirates from space".
Please come check out theses cougars grinding on a pole. I feel like they're showing us up and we need a duel stat
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