i told him he had the best dick i've ever seen. then supposedly i kept repeating "peter piper picked the perfect penis"
Somewhere in the night I send my Dad a text stating "YOU failed as a parent"
Remind me to call McDonald's to give a good review of Ruth. She truly demonstrated grace under pressure.
I opened my eyes this morning, looked at the sunlight and made this hangover my bitch.
The taxi driver was going on about how many drunk chicks want to sleep with him when he drives them home. Not sure if he was bragging or hinting
The cops busted down the door and everyone ran. I was just trying to find my shirt before I got arrested
I think I reached some stage of aging, have a sore/injured shoulder from sex, next up carpal tunnel from sexting.
Jesus Christ that hit just spoke to so many levels of my soul. It's caressing them softly
He's pretty cool once you ignore the fact that he's trying to get into your pants
GUESS WHOSE BEST FRIEND IS OUT OF PRISON!
there are not enough nopes in the world for that situation.
Let's go buy marshmallows and play chubby bunny until we feel alive again
The adults are the big ones right?
Twas still the Saturday before Christmas \nAnd it’s still fucking snowing\nAnd Steve wished he slowed down \nOn all the fucking drinking
Yeahh. im on the phone with him drunk. he told me he found a pigeon in a cardboard box and named it quincy...
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