just when i thought things couldnt get worse, the batteries died in my vibrator.
He stole her cigarettes and walked 15 miles just so he wouldn't have to wake up next to her. God I love being a lesbian.
he woke up with $200 in his pocket and had to buy his cell phone back from a hobo at the bus stop.
its official. the only way for my hair to look good is to blow somebody
You know how most people would take your keys when they don't want you to leave a party? Those 2 girls aren't most people. They took my pants instead.
Call me old fashioned but i like to drunk dial a girl 2 or 3 times before sending a dick pic
I'm about to airblow my boyfriend. I'll three-way you.
I got sucker punched while I was making out with some girl...I think my molar might have flown into her mouth
This medicine is making me nuts. I just woke up and I thought I was in a glass case with Asians staring at me.
I'm playing drinking games with a boy who looks like Liam Hemsworth. I think I'm fine.
She swallowed the key to the cuffs, I've been having to explain the pink fuzz all morning.
I want falafel more than sex right now. That's really saying something for me...
This is why I should’ve just stuck with blow jobs. I’m good at blow jobs. Blow jobs never fail me.
It's dangerous to be this horny at work. I'm gonna stain my desk chair
i really didnt think i was that drunk last night but the txts from unknwn #s that say i like your lace panties are def telling me otherwise
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