my dad just secretly slid me a nugg in front of my mom. remind me why I moved away for college??
I should never bitch about not getting laid. He's begging me to come over and I'm saying no because I'm watching a Golden Girls marathon.
They are providing beer and having a margarita machine. This cannot be passed up.
No one even knew you were hurt until we saw the multiple cuts to prove it, and when we asked what happened all you could say was "I fell out"
She swung at the pinata with crutches
So I just chugged the rest of the wine in my mug so I would have something to eat my corn flakes in. With a plastic fork. I need a dishwasher
And maybe a life coach?
You got in the cab and told the cab driver "we only have seven bucks so you better drive fucking fast".
I'm getting kicked out of the place we're at. They don't like ketchup on their walls..
I'm unsure as to how you were able to snapchat me with your hands duck taped to beer, but I appreciated it nonetheless.
Then my perve supervisor asked about your vagina. And I was like nunya, but its glorious
He hasn't touched a vagina in two and a half years. THIS IS WAY TOO MUCH PRESSURE TO BE UNDER
The last thing I searched on my phone was "leave in conditioner on cats." This is where my life is.
You're wasting your dick. It needs to be bestowed upon the masses.
I can't. I'm going camping this weekend. I do have a life outside of your dick.
I’m a little confused...we were told by Cheeto Jesus and his minions multiple times that we would stop hearing about coronavirus the day after the election and, yet, I am still hearing about coronavirus. Is it possible they lied to us again?!?
Randomize
