omg so im topless lying on my bed and i forgot my nail clippers are on my bed and i just leaned forward and the nail clipper closed. on my nipple. ouch
so stoned i ashed in my jack and coke like 4 times. drinking it anyway
I called the bar to ask if they found my Id and credit card and they remembered me as 'the girl who signed her receipt in blood'
I can hear my fat mexican neighbor yelling "do you like that!" ...I hope its not his dog
She gave me a bj in her parent's kitchen while I ate the rest of her mom's birthday cake. Fuck. Yes.
i just had a pap smear and two shots. lets hit the beach.
She told me to act like the hulk during sex. Shit got 9 different shades of weird
You know he really cares when he gives you one of those on-the-go toothbrushes for your walk of shame before running to work
Spider-Man is making out with Wonder Woman while Captain Kirk feels up Princess Lea. Nice to see nerd barriers broken down at Comic Con.
Signs of a stoner: trying everything in your fridge topped with peanut butter to seek satisfaction.
I guess I'm just gonna have to learn to live with the fact that I'm the guy who takes his pants off at the party and tries to start an orgy
I told some guy on tinder, that apparently has a prosthetic leg, that I think we started off on the wrong foot. I hate myself...
Walking into my bedroom & smelling stale sex & disappointment isn't how I envisioned being 39, in case you were wondering.
You stumbled in the door as high as a kite, & ran into the table. I asked you if you were all right. You replied with "I don't have any soup."
Yah. I'm gonna lay you down and feed you grapes, except I'm gonna replace grapes for my balls
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