i literally forgot his name and just started calling him "waffles"
I will never try to masturbate with americas funniest home videos playing in the background ever again
We made a bong out of a plastic football. I can honestly say we make a good team.
Used my phone to vibrate 'eye of the tiger'. It's like Rocky is punching my nuts, but gently.
I told him he wasn't aloud to one word text me. Unless that one word was threesome
So if I tell her fire is hot and it will burn her... she's probably just going to keep throwing her vagina at it huh?
I got punched in the face by a Cowboy last night. Then he bought me a beer cause o convinced security not to kick him out the bar. Start of a fairytale love story? I think so.
Girl it's 3:30 get your life together and come enjoy a bowl, some coffee and a brownie with me
You were doing bacon vodka shots and chasing them with barbecue sauce. You're officially fucking disgusting. I love you.
This girl is wasted dancing to The Final Countdown. She's grinding on a guy who came to the bar in a track jacket and a wife beater
I woke up the other day with my Google browser open to "DIY lip injections"... I also just received a vial of hyaluronic acid and a package of TB syringes from amazon. I'm down.
I will have no part of this.
Using the money underagers give me to buy this semesters books.. My mom would be so proud
Meh, all I have to do tomorrow is proctor an AP test. No loud noises and no physical activity allowed for almost 4 hours. Sounds like the perfect recovery period for a hangover.
I just dropped a condom on the floor at costco in front of my girlfriend and her husband. Today is not going to go well.
Just found an airplane bottle of whiskey and I didn't put it in my coffee. I think I deserve a little recognition this morning.
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