Just did shrooms. Don't feel shit! Wsasted 40 bucks on this! Nothing's happenig except for this little gnome on my shoulder and the couch is melting. Fuckin waste of money.
nobody is as good of a wingman as me. i make whoever im with look like mark wahlberg during his underwear model phase
Hes still not moving. At what point does 'hungover' become 'hospital-time?'
It was so good the neighbors even had a cigarette.
We just licked a sour creme and onion chip for salt for a tequila shot. Our vacation has officially begun.
Well I'm just gonna sit here naked in this chair and whatever happens happens
This is one of those moments when you do what I say or I come stalk you down like a gazelle.
Random memory from the wedding, the bartender showed us how to open the windows and piss out of them.
there's an entire drinking game devoted to nobody liking her face
I STILL HAVE A HARD TIME DECIDING WHAT TO WEAR IN THE MORNING HOW WOULD IT BE POSSIBLE FOR ME TO PICK A PAIR OF PANTS AND GO OH ILL JUST WEAR THESE FOR THE REST OF MY LIFE
Apparently "Do you want me to ruin your day now or later?" is not a good way to tell someone you're pregnant and it's theirs.
This couple is walking their pig around campus
I know you told me I shouldn't go see him...that's why I'm texting you letting you know I made it home safe from his house this morning
Why is the toilet broken? Why did I wake up naked in the shower, hugging a bath mat? WHY IS THE TOILET BROKEN?
Is it just clogged or something?
No! There are actual chunks of toilet on the floor.
I know it's super late on a work night, but can you drop by and bend me over my new motorcycle? I have tequila and tacos...
Randomize
