He saw my tits then looked up and yelled thank you jesus as loud as he could
So I've officially decided that I AM that drunken mistake that girls hate themselves for in the morning.
i crunched every chip from the dorito bag and poured it in the vase. never again will i have to deal with cool ranch fingers.
Pretty sure I just had sex with the black kid who grew up in a car from "angels in the outfield"
How come I never meet celebrities?
Well I will be attending the wedding with a flask of wine, potentially with a straw, and POM POMS for cheering purposes. Needless to say I will be well lubricated by your arrival..
The last bar we left there was a sausage stand right outside and I apparently felt bad those guys were working that late, so I bought a $9 sausage, gave it to some drunk kid and said "I support local businesses!!" I'd say I've done my civic duty.
STOP TELLING PEOPLE I PEED ON YOU
Let's drink?
Just because it's bacon vodka doesn't mean it's for breakfast.
Ack! That is the first dick pic I've ever received. A) congrats B) that is way grosser than I ever thought t would be.
Went into Walmart to get a pregnancy test. Came out with a beta fish and chocolate.
Someone put pennies in the toilet. This isn't a fucking wishing well
You said "I'm not gonna waste my last condom on you" last night.
He climbed over 2 rows of the cab and told some random girl we were riding with that he would be in the back seat if she wanted to have sex
First aid class means get dry humped by moderately attractive college students during heimlich maneuver training.
There is a sex dungeon behind the wine cellar. This is why I hate showing foreclosures.
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