You think if I promise to behave for the rest of my life, god will let me fuck her on the regular?
just next time i won't let coke make me think I'm superman and drink a shit ton.
oh my god i am going to vomit. and little burgers wearing crowns are going to come out.
I told her i was enlisting in the air force tomorrow.....it was like the activation code to her vagina
Just figured out why my bed smells like weed: I just found a bowl in my pillow case?
we just finished a porn and sex toy shopping spree. this is the fun part of "being serious"
I'll send you the picture of you double fisting vodka bottles, grinding one guy and making out with another... Every girl wanted to be you.. You make me so proud!
I drank half a bottle of wine while watching the Olympics opening ceremonies. I catcalled at handsome athletes. Stop me.
The bar tenders gave me the number for a "taxi"... It's just a dude with a van. In retrospect, pretty sketchy. Robert was cool though.
I have to be more responsible. I've dropped three lighters into my bong today.
SOMETIMES YOU HAVE TO BLAST VANESSA CARLTON IN YOUR CAR AT MIDNIGHT TO FEEL AGAIN. IDK.
you never un-have a 4some
Why exactly is there a butt plug on the counter?
it's like that time i was drunk at relay for life. but with balloon animals...
Enjoy your early 30’s! You’re still young enough to catch a twenty something that can fuck 4 times a day, hot enough to date forty year old penises that can last long enough to give you multiple orgasms
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