Remember that one time i smeared period blood on your face?
I hate you
I'm going to rise like a phoenix out of the drunken, shameful ashes that were last weekend.
he said he doesnt sext because the government can tap that kind of shit too. no boobie pics for him.
I just made a 90's Nickelodeon TV theme song power hour mix...I don't want to build it up but your head might explode
Just saw the hottest 4 garbage men ever. They should make a calendar
She's licking the seat belt now. Feeling a little uncomfortable
When the cops came you just told them you'd go to your time out corner.
Technically he's married but he says it's "not like that" even tho his wife lives with him. Not sure if I believe him but I'm sleeping with him anyway.
We're pretty much just dating until one of our ex's wants us back
FYI your bra is now hanging in the hallway as a trophy.
I'll take care of you. Just let me pee on this old white person's car first.
Because I'm currently dying, lacking waffles, and vaguely convinced I'm an eagle
I've had sex with three people who have this birthday.
I feel like I should have held a press conference. The state of my vagina
she was all excited about us being eskimo sisters and then i was just like "alyssa i've literally been inside of you" and she got even more excited
Randomize
