I knew I shouldn't have slept with her...my dick looks like a stegosaurus tail
A 14 year old with a teardrop tattoo just tried to sell me weed. I'm in the wrong fucking neighborhood.
I have shoes on. No pants. And my jacket pockets are full of ketchup and grass. Yes. Good night.
What if we had a smart house and we could just say "baked" and it would rain donuts?
He said he wants to make an itinerary for the sex we'll have when I come home.
Someone just proposed in Subway. Trying not to laugh.
Well, it's either jungle juice or memory of the night... It's unfortunate I can't have both
I'm hungry
Come here to eat and play. It'll be like Dave and Busters except with sex
also, I heard you can donate your eggs for like $8gs....hellloooo mediterranean vacation. thank youuuu future babies!!!
There's a very drunk Asian strawberry shortcake crying on the curb next to my truck. I'm not really sure what standard protocol is for this situation.
He asked me how france is treating me
Tell him you got so much dick you may never come back to the US. That ought to keep him away
The last time I've felt a woman's touch, the twin towers were compromised. You can wait like one week
Bad news man, we're gonna have to reschedule Golden Coral: The Musical
I don't know who the fuck this is, but right on man
Just packed vodka and spare underwear into my purse- totally set for watching the hockey with him tonight
Same way I cope with everything else. With dildos, dunkin and depeche mode
Randomize
