He never called back after I emailed him my booty call contract.
my roommate just said, "don't look at it, just put it iin your mouth"
We went to the police station completely hammered looking for you. Don't tell me I'm not a good friend.
oh great. kentucky is ranked #1 in the country for child abuse. go us.
He had the Transformers symbol tattooed to his chest. We had to do it doggy style so I could laugh into my pillow instead of his face.
For future references, orgasms clear sinuses.
Which is worse rug burn on your nipples or laying there after wondering how long you have to cuddle before you can sneak away?
She made me be the little spoon then she pretended to be a jet pack for an hour straight
Note to self: semen does not count as food to take medicine with
You were dancing with his friend and you stopped to literally push the girl he was dancing with out of the way to make out with him
You'd think the dry cleaners next door would be less judgmental for as much business as my theme parties bring them.
Apparently nick called me at 3 in the morning looking for you because you ate your keys and ran away..do I need to call an ambulance.
She's licking the whiskey out of the carpet. I think we may be soulmates.
MDMA, margaritas, mashed potatoes and ice cream aren't keto Kristin
I duct taped a bottle of vodka to the back of your closet while you were sleeping in case of emergencies. Go rip it off, it's going to be a long night.
Randomize
