Did you fuck her?
If by "fuck her" you mean "threw up on her shoes," then yes, I achieved that.
Googled "can you put dry ice in your drink?" I'm safee
He was sweet. He even warned me that his dick curved, and I quote, "more than a banana."
2nd semester senior, always drunk. at this point if i don't get a good parking spot, i turn around and drive home
She just threw the soap bottle at me from the ladie's room and keeps asking me when we left the bar and got on the boat.
Is a wave an appropriate goodbye when your one night stand wakes up and walks out towards the door while you are looking through the garbage for the evidence of a condom?
Best oral ever, hands down so to speak. but I'm starting to want to meet that lesbian truck driver he says he's better than. Just for comparison purposes of course.
When you sober up and come in here, I'm in your bed because you pissed on me in mine. So fuck. Off.
Just took a piss in some random bushes in a traffic jam and had to sprint back to the car. I'm a boss.
FUCK YOU VODKA I'M TRYING TO ADULT RIGHT NOW
Stoned. Scared. Bring pool noodle and onion rings.
Anyone would get lost in that field after that much vodka. Trust me... I kind of feel like superman considering I even made it home. Most people would've been face down in a random oilfield. Not this guy.
I'm drinking on a Thursday because I can
Today is Wednesday you jobless drunk
Its like he got lessons from Jesus on how to use his tongue. And his dick.
It’s a good thing I’m the only one in the office today. My boy toy stopped by and now there is jiz all over my desk and couch
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