I'm going to shit on something weird... I can't wait
Woke up in a pool of alcohol sweat. Probably could wring out my sheets and make a decent cocktail.
I feel like one of those toads that you lick to get high or find a prince.... cept when you lick me you find a drunk whore.
i dont have any money that hasnt already been designated for cigarettes and birth control
You told me to hold on because you had to barf like a dinosaur.
No, the sea-green pills were klonopin, the bright blue ones are adderall. you're probably going to have to adjust your plans for the day.
you were watching the nanny crying, saying I wish I was that thin eating twinkies. THAT DRUNK.
If you could smell my eyes you'd understand the whole story
#1 RULE OF DRINKING: DELETE YOUR EX'S NUMBER FROM YOUR PHONE
Hi, this is a test of the morning after apology broadcast system. If you're receiving this pre-recorded message there is a high probability I was a dickwad to you in the past 24 hours. You have my utmost and sincere apologies. Also if you have my wallet, house key, left converse, or lighter, give them/it back
drunk grocery shopping was not as bad of an idea as i thought, this salmon cat food tastes a lot like tuna
I thought that wasn't a thing ever since she showed you her vag on the dance floor
Best day ever, my junk is bigger than Kate Uptons boyfriends. Yay for Fappening day!
I shouldn't be drunk at 3 pm but alas, here we are...
i just teared up watching channing tatum in drag emerge from the fog on lip sync battle. it's gotta be PMS. either that or something is realllllly wrong with me.
I’m making a jello mold of my penis
Will it be as disappointing as your actual penis?
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