Any girl that compares her vag to a hot ham sandwich is beyond a slut
After the sixth shot I started to slur my pauses.
I just found a pubic hair on my dick that wasn't mine.
you have a cum towel under your bed, you're the definition of single
You do realize that we bought beer at 9:30 in the morning to avoid sobering up. Stupidity was bound to follow.
Just found out I reached my $2500 deductible and I have a $5 million dollar cap on my health insurance. Let's get drunk and do something recklessly stupid tonight.
I just went to pick up my pigeon from your house. You should be getting a picture soon
They just kept handing me shots and saying welcome to college
Our new roommate is sitting in the living room wearing a snuggie and clutching a handle of burnett's mixed with what appears to be crystal light and sobbing over a documentary about a dead race horse.
I know. Isn't she utterly fantastic?
I feel like the only phrases I can clearly speak while drunk consist of: i'm fucking drunk, chug, and shots
Well, I've taken the art of car peeing to new heights
Hate you missed the after party, I was covered in dish soap gliding bare assed down a slip n slide at 6:30 this morning
"YOU A2TE UNDERAGE LOL" Got that at 2am. Gotta stop dating alcoholics.
Buying a new bed right now. My options are limited because I need to be able to be tied to it.
I just put poptarts in the toaster with the wrapper on, that's how hungover I am.
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