I just speedwalked down the broken metro escalator while high. Basically all my worst fears combined
i just woke up to seventeen texts from you saying all the things you would have done for a french fry.
hey you knew what you were in for when i showed up with 2 fifths of Jim. plus i left money to pay for a new sink
I had to explain to the waiter that I'm not the DD because I can't drive, but as the Designated 'Make Sure No One Gets Roofied Or Hit By A Car On The Walk Home'-er, I should still get the free drinks.
No, trust me. Falling down the stairs is a fucking sobering experience.
You started drinking at 2:30, did you really think you would be able to remember?
I mean there is a rehab there so its gotta be a good time
they wouldnt let me drive the convertible because i was in a bird suit :(
Two dicks, one me.
Yoga's definitely paying off.
Eredayimstrugglin ..Can we talk about the fact that I just typed "er" and it autocorrected to that. Fuck my life.
Holy shit my cat won't leave the lube alone
I don't care how hot she was, she wouldn't stop singing "Shut Up and Dance", instant boner-killer.
Sorry I twat blocked you earlier I didn't know Sam was over. But, my house my rules, I don't have to knock before I enter. I did see naked butts and smelt "Sex Stank" in the air, we're going to have to set some ground rules when I get home. Hugs and kisses..Mom
I swear, I make more use of my creative writing major with sexting than I do with anything else
I blacked out after the piñata full of condoms
Randomize
