Since you didn't call me back last night, I can only assume that in 9 months you're going to have a child that I'm going to refer to as, "Daddy's little mistake in Miami."
You know, I really only think drinking is a problem if you're not good at it.
does drinking everclear count as brushing your teeth? because i think they are sterilized
My Adderall prescription says to take my recommended dose and throw away any leftover pills. Why don't more prescriptions come with jokes like this?
My shirt is ruined. If I ever get the idea of doing a tequila shot through my nose ever again, shoot me.
The Russian stripper asked if I like foreign girls. I told her I absolutely fucking hate accents. Most awkward 7 minutes ever
Tomorrow is Have Sex and Climb A Mountain Day. We have amazing dates.
Best oral ever, hands down so to speak. but I'm starting to want to meet that lesbian truck driver he says he's better than. Just for comparison purposes of course.
She had YOLO tattooed on her ass. Like, one cheek said YO, the other said LO. Even I can't handle that level of hot mess.
Well he walked in last night, yelled at me for not playing any music and started dancing.
At no time is it ever okay for my doctor to compliment my tattoos, when giving me a physical exam.......
I'm just saying; the box truck will cost less then dorms or rent, and we can always crash where the party is.
Do I masturbate or eat a pound of matazah. Alissa help what do I do??
You don’t need a wing man if you have a solid hook up on the pumpkin pie
I turn 40 next week. I deserve to celebrate the end of my 30’s with a 21 year old dick
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