Are you dead
Yes
Oh man
Someone fed me too many chicken nuggets and sexed me too hard
he was so hot that i framed the used condom. it's not trash, it's art.
last night this guy was hitting on me by showing me the famous people he had in his contacts on his cell... when he asked me if i knew lindsay lohan, i said "whose that? sounds asian"
aparently we are going to have sex infront of her friend. ill call you tomorrow
she told me i should dip my dick in chocolate and then let her blow me since it was her 2 favorite things. weird or my new valentine for this year?
They're making scrambled eggs at 2 in the morning... with rum
Ran into my prostitute at Costco yesterday. She was with her boyfriend, I was with my kids. Awwwwkward.
there may or may not be knives in your bed. I would check
THERE ARE SO MANY GREAT DICKS IN THE WORLD. HOW DID I NOT DISCOVER THIS SOONER!?
Wearing a french maid costume for Halloween sure did help me meet girls
Dude, they all thought you were gay.
I'm gunna send you baby bottles of vodka for those nights when you just give up
I never want to do this again, I'm going to chew off several fingers and apply for disability
...and that's why girls with IBS don't paint their nails
I chatted up the pastor's son on Grindr during the service. Still ridiculing my decision to go to church this morning?
So then edible panties?
Jesus no he likes candy too much, I'd lose a lip
Randomize
