I was taking a piss and started puking. I pissed myself and made a mess in the bathroom. Passed out, then got up and went back out from 11pm to 5am.
I changed 4 diapers and slept horribly in our hot apt. Now, I'm at my inlaws house watching the Rangers get pummeled. Oh how our lives differ.
I'm trying to bond with my sister... Its like getting to know a person I never met that I don't like
I am too pretty for them to be this angry at me.
I just made easy mac in my blender. Beat that.
I dont care about anyone or anything else I just want to make love to you on my air mattress
Hey, I didn't ask that stripper to put her unds in my mouth, it was just covered by the plus package fee I ordered.
When he came downstairs he looked at me like I was attempting to rob his house.
Did you reintroduce yourself?
He threatened to call the cops.
The number of tpain songs that actually relate to my life right now is embarrassing.
I feel I must have sex with him first to fully decide where my vagina belongs.
Drunk Jeff aka Dreff thinks he's about 3x cooler than be really is and about 100x better at dancing than he really is
Dude I'm driving around California right now hiding little bags of weed in random places like Easter eggs so that I can come back and find them later
I just smoked a joint and ate a sandwich while watching someone get arrested. Bonnaroo is a silly place.
Also I know you probably did not understand anything I said on the phone last night but thank you for pretending.
It's Jesse McGoddamn Cartney, the whole world sings that shit
Potholders are an underrated garment. Especially naked.
Randomize
